I believe we writers have a gift. Or tumors. See, sometimes I am complimented on my “way with words.” I truly appreciate the kindness, but the truth is that I kind of write like I talk.
Well, not like I talk to everyone. I told this to a friend once, and he said, “You never talk to me like that,” with “that” meaning poetically.
My reply was, “No, but I don’t speak Spanish to people who only speak French either.” He didn’t get it, proving my point.
But, digression aside, I think it’s not so much having a way with words, or characters, stories, or stray thoughts; it’s that we lack the capacity to keep them in. They kind of spill out. As I begin writing every day, I’m finding these aberrant thoughts increase in frequency. Fortunately (in the way the existence of police records is fortunate) there is social media to provide a record of my deviations. Here is a sampling of my recent wonderments. What is disconcerting is that most of these, I actually wanted to know the answer.
1. I’m confused; how can a thing that sucks also blow? Seems that would defy the laws of physics.
2. If I could grow a boob tree, I’d have guys paying me to be able to pick the fruit.
3. I’m listening to the Cranberries. Will that prevent a urinary tract infection?
4. If I whale a whale will it produce a wail and a wale? (I almost made this a poem, because it was a thing for about 15 minutes.)
5. Do you think rainbows smell more red or purple? Lilac or roses? (A guy told me it was strawberry, but I think he was just synesthetic, so I ignored him.)
6. Dear book, after several attempts, I have not fallen in love with you. Do you think it’s me, because I’m thinking, maybe, you suck. (I know the answer was further in the book, but isn’t that just a trap?)
7. You can get therapy for low self-esteem. But what do you do if your low self-esteem is due to needing therapy?
8. Should I be worried that all of the qualities that got me in trouble in school are the things people compliment in my art?
9. If you think I’m funniest when I’m in a pissy mood, and my most nurturing when I really just want you to cheer up and fuck off, do I have the problem, or do you?
10. Why are you still reading this? It’s because I put the number 10 in the title isn’t it? If I’d said, “Big Thoughts,” you’d have stopped at number 5 or something. How long have you been powerless in the face of numbers?
Perhaps I will get the answers through writing. I don’t have the patience for therapy. Somebody take my Twitter away before I hurt myself with it. By the way, you probably want to stay away from my Twitter stream. Here’s my big 11,000th tweet:
“I have voices in my head. They’re speaking Spanish; I have no idea what they’re saying. It’s annoying.” – Daniel Tosh
— Bill Jones, Jr (@billjonesjr) March 23, 2013
I’m @billjonesjr if you’re a masochist.