Not Trying to Have Sex with You

Since the book I’m reading sucks, I thought I’d post some stuff at random. First, here’s an excerpt from “Eddie Daley,” (real name TBD) which is still fermenting on my shelf. This is a scene wherein Eddie is alone with his girlfriend’s sister. Keep in mind it’s an unedited 1st draft.


By the time the 40-minute trip to Bedford Stuyvesant was done, I was too tired to really care what new adventure Mina was up to. Mostly, I wanted to take of the damn tie and fall asleep in front of a beer. I reached Kari’s place just as I was certain I couldn’t take another step in my oxfords. There was Kari out front, with Apache. She was directing kids to run up and down the sidewalk in front of him, yet Apache sat still, watching not the children, but Kari. As I approached, my alert little buddy spotted me first, and his ears perked up, but he didn’t move. Instead, he gave Kari an intense look, along with a loud whimper. She turned, saw me, and smiled. With no more than a simple hand signal, she gave Apache permission to go, and he bolted toward me at full speed. He was growing in leaps and bounds and in his enthusiasm, almost knocked me over.

It’s amazing how quickly you can recover when you’re greeted by a happy puppy, a group of dog-loving kids, and a beautiful woman. Instead of the bath and beer I’d been picturing, I spent the next hour outside, playing with my pup and the kids. After that, however, Kari must have seen the exhaustion on my face. She thanked the group for helping her train Apache and dragged the two of us inside. Apache was asleep, in his normal position on his back, feet in the air, in minutes. I seriously considered joining him there in the middle of the floor.

“Why don’t you go take a hot bath and relax?” Kari asked.

“You read my mind.”

“Nope, your body language. You’re drooping like a faded flower.”

“I sure as hell don’t smell like a flower.”

“Use my bath, that way you can stretch out.”

She got no argument from me. The master bath and bedroom were enormous in her townhouse, with much smaller guest quarters. After being cramped in Manhattan all day, I welcomed the chance to relax. Fifteen minutes later, I was up to my chest in almost obscenely hot water, stretched out and closer to asleep than awake.

“Here you go, sweets,” Kari said. It scared the holy hell out of me. I jumped, splashing water out of the oval tub, onto the floor and on Kari’s jeans. She jumped back, managing not to drop what she was carrying as I scrambled to cover myself with a washcloth.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“I brought you a Guinness and some snacks,” she said. If she was aware it was improper to have invaded my bath, it wasn’t obvious. Still, the beer looked awfully good. I took it and downed half the bottle at once. Kari set the bowl of mixed nuts on the edge of the tub and smiled at me. “Feel better?” she asked.

“Kari, I don’t think you should be in here.”

“Oh shush. I’ve already seen your little dingleberry.”

“Not so little,” I muttered. “And I think the word you want is ding-a-ling.”

“Shush.” She knelt on the floor behind me. Before I could object, she pushed my torso forward and began scrubbing my back in circles with something that felt like a cross between a loofa and soft brush. Within seconds, I’d determined that resistance was futile. Her twin was a Vulcan, but Kari was the Borg, all the way. She continued to my lower back, and then began rubbing my tight neck muscles. I objected vigorously, ten times, all in my head. My mouth mostly just made little moaning noises. When she reached around to scrub my chest, I regained my sanity, courtesy of a surge of adrenaline.

“Look, we had fun this morning, but the washing each other stuff needs to stop.”

She sighed, stood, and walked in front of me, shaking her head. “What am I going to do with you?” By way of answering her own question, she pulled her shirt over her head, exposing those perfect breasts for the second time in one day.

“Holy crap, Kari.” I tried to sink under the water.

She was unconcerned about my recalcitrance. She removed her jeans and thong and climbed in the tub with me without saying a word. The woman just sat opposite me, her arms draped along the sides of the tub, smiling at me. I tried to look everywhere but at her. Finally, I suppose getting annoyed, she said, “I’m not leaving until you look at me, Eddie Daley.”

I did. She looked good. Damned good. I told her so. “Kari, I’m dating Mina,” I added, as an afterthought.

To my surprise, she frowned at me, picked up her loofa, threw it at me, and followed up by splashing water at me. “For the last time, I’m not trying to have sex with you!” She kept frowning, sitting there naked in my bath, with her arms folded in front of her. She was adorable.

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry. I believe you.” And I did too. “But then why are you in the tub with me?”

Her frown faded. “I like being naked with you. What’s wrong with that? You’re fun.”

Oh Jesus. Both of these women are crazy.


  1. Bob Mills says:

    You have no idea what memories this evoked! Great read

    1. Hmm, that’s a story I’d like to hear! Thanks, Bob.

  2. EagleAye says:

    Eddie really suffers at the hands of these women. Sometimes I wish I could suffer like that. 😉 It really is funny the way you torture Eddie. Great stuff, Bill.

    1. I once dated a twin. Her sister (whom I came to realize was the twin I should have dated) used to try to trick me into thinking she was my twin. It bugged her that I could always tell them apart, even on the phone.

      1. EagleAye says:

        Aha! So you have firsthand experience. Well, they always say write what you know, and so you are. That’s funny you could easily tell them apart. That’s so contrary to the classic understanding. But I understand twins often start expressing themselves differently quite early. Someone close to them should easily identify them.

  3. Daniel says:

    Thanks for the nice moment. When will you put up part 2?

    1. Daniel, thanks. This is actually an excerpt from my upcoming book. I posted 18 episodes (in the “Eddie Daley, Skip Tracer” tab). Since then, I’ve been posting random excerpts. I’m not really sure if I’ll post any more, since I’m about to start the real editing process. It probably won’t be before then. (This was from my 1st draft.)

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