I was going to post a poem, but I got a concerned email from Barclays Bank (wink, wink, nudge nudge). Apparently, I’ve had another breach of my fictional account. (Is Barclay’s even in the United States?) For the record, I’ve had the same bank account for 30 years. This ain’t it.
However, as a public service, I thought I’d help our spammy friends fix their poorly written letter.
A Grammar Guerilla.
10/01/2014 [Um, you sent this to the United States and dated it tomorrow.]
[Please insert a space after the date.]
Barclays Online Security Department
.[:] [I’m confused. Are you writing to Barclays, or are you saying you are from Barclays? It isn’t clear.]
reccomend [recommend] to don’t [that you do not] – ignore this message !. [To precedes the infinitive, and contractions are too informal for a business letter of this type. It gives you away immediately as a non-native English speaker. You’re already done at this point, gents. Oh, and banks are excitable. Lose the exclamation mark.]
Dear Customer, [Huh? That’s not my name. Didn’t you even read the email address you sent this to? Oh, that’s right, all you want is for me to download stuff. Sorry, even my Mac has a virus checker and you’re already toast.]
feels sorry regrets to inform you: [Barclays may “regret,” but more likely feels nothing. Certainly not “sorry.” This should not have a colon, nor should the following sentence be separate. You don’t use colons for lists of one element. One is not a list. One is a one.]
We detected multiple unsuccessful login attempts on your online account. [Why are each of these sentences a separate paragraph? Is that how your translation software parsed it? You need new software, mate.]
All attempts were made from IP: 217.–.50.– [REDACTED] (United Kingdom) on 09/01/2014 at 23:05 PM. [Um, why are you giving me an IP address? I assume so that I will visit it and download your malware? Yeah, no.]
that your account be [from being] compromised we had to temporarly [temporarily] limit your online account. [What the hell does “limit” mean? And how does “limiting” an account prevent its being compromised?]
are needed [need] to confirm that you’re [you are]the account holder and to review your [recent? Forever?] account activity ,[;] after that [who? I’m thinking … Chuck Norris] will remove any restrictions placed on your online account. [Okay, a reality check here. No, two. First … damn your English sucks shit! Second, such “restrictions” are done automatically, by voice-accessible computers and require no human intervention. In addition, they will call a home phone, work phone, and/or cell phone. They will NEVER EVER send an unencrypted email. You’ve now hurt my feelings, because you apparently think I’m a fucking idiot. I’m not a fucking idiot.]
To confirm that
you’re [you are] the account holder [Any account in particular, or should I guess?] and that you[r] account was not compromised [You already told me it wasn’t. Earlier, you said the compromise attempt was unsuccessful. I am confused as to what you are trying to have me prove.] please follow the next steps in order:
– Please Download the Login Form attached to your e-mail. [Nope. Don’t download shit from NO BODY. Nope. What else you got?]
– Please Fill the requested fields and Submit the Form. [Can’t. See above.]
You are strictly advised to match your information rightly to avoid service suspension. [I don’t have a clue what the fuck this sentence means. Will I be sent back to high school? I stopped getting suspended in the 8th grade. That’s when I got my ADHD under control. Is it okay if I match my information wrongly? I’m thinking I have no choice, since you never told me what account (or bank) you’re concerned with. Is Barclays’ checking on my Bank of America account? Oh wait; I don’t have one of those either.]
Note: For security reasons we strongly recommend you open in the Internet Explorer browser. [Hahahahahahahaha!!!! I just pissed myself laughing. … No, I mean it; I did. … IE. Hahahaha!!!! ]
We will review your account with you to confirm that
you’re [you are] the [please specify] account holder and that your account have [has] not been compromised [remove line break]
and remove any restrictions on your bank account online. [Me or you? If you can do this online, why am I getting an email instead of a link? Can’t afford a fake website? Wow, you guys are fucking amateurs. For real. What are you, 10? Ohmigod!!! That’s it! You’re 10 years old and you live in … well, we know where don’t we?]
NOTE: If you do not review your account activity within 24 hours and [confirm/deny/brag/whine/tell your mama] that
you’re [you are] the [please specify] account holder, [something is missing here] will leave us no [remove line break]
choice but to deactivate your account. [Um, like do you keep the money? If so, I’m going to sue the fuck out of you. I’ll own fake Barclays in two years and you’ll be in prison for grand larceny.]
We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused[.]
[You forgot your fake name]
© Copyright Barclays Bank Holdings PLC. 2014 – All rights reserved [Not only is this done incorrectly, why would Barclays copyright a business letter?]
[You guys are fucking morons. Please stop sending these. They get automatically deleted anyway. I was just out of material … so, thanks.]
P.S. This is a phishing attempt, with known (Barclays Phishing) malware. DO NOT open it. Delete it (completely, not just into your deleted items folder) without opening. Now you know what the letter says anyway. If you open it, you WILL have malware. I just excised mine before doing this.) Laters.